Toward a Functional Understanding of Love
Love or Morality: Chapter One
“The Tao of Love”
“Toward a Functional Understanding of Love”
“On the True Nature of Human Sexuality”
“The Demonization of Adult-Child Erotic Love
“The Commercial Exploitation of Abuse”
“The Patriarchal Love Bias”
“The Truncated Account of Adult-Child Erotic Attraction”
“Does Pedophile Love Equate Abuse?”
“Is Pedophilia a Sexual Perversion?
“The Legal Split in Child Protection”
“The Violence of Morality”
“The Roots of Violence”
“The 12 Angular Points of Social Justice and Peace”
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The Cultural Confusion
The Cultural Fear of Erotic Novelty
In the present chapter we shall realize that love is quite a difficult and for the least atypical research object; in fact it can be rightly doubted with Michel Odent if love can be scientifically scrutinized without being violated in its cosmic and all-encompassing nature.
— See Michel Odent, The Scientification of Love (1999).
Because of this caution, I have abstained from any of the modern methods applied to sexological research topology, the whole modern tool box of ‘phallometric’ sex research that is after all an entirely mechanistic business, and that therefore bears little truth outside of its own little universe of ‘Newtonian’ assumptions and projections. Despite the fact that historically, love was looked at through the eyes of wonder and magic, fairy tale, novel, autobiography and the whole folk lore of romanticism — with all the distortions that such an anecdotic and unsystematical regard inevitably brings about — this does not prevent us from going a step ahead, and research love based on the insight that love actually cannot be different from life itself, which implies that systems theory, with its functional regard, should be applied to it, as it is applied to research on living systems.
— See, for example, Fritjof Capra, The Web of Life (1997), The Hidden Connections (2002), and The Systems View of Life (2014).
In the fore-field of modern systems research, Wilhelm Reich (1897–1957), as one of the first Western researchers on love and sexual behavior, had a truly systemic regard, that saw the Gestalt of the loving behavior, before he saw the details of the pattern. After now thirty years of research on love and human emotions, I came to create a pattern-based research topology that sees relationships where the old mechanistic view saw ‘sexual acts;’ from this view, it appears strikingly obvious that sexual behavior is a variant of social behavior, a form of nonverbal communication between humans that is based upon the ‘truth of the body’ rather than the often to be found untruth of verbal communication.
I have retraced in this chapter the cultural confusion between natural sensuality and conditioned ‘black-booted’ sexuality as a ‘rape pattern,’ while the original ‘love pattern’ was never thought of and conceptualized in the first place, in our culture. I have revealed through my research on tribal cultures the Eight Dynamic Patterns of Living, which show that most tribal and native cultures have well a functional love pattern in place, a love paradigm, which explains the world and human relations primarily as motivated by love and other positive expectations, and not, as in our culture, as a network of entangled negative motivations that is characterized by expecting humans to sexually violate other humans, if not kept in check by drastic and coercive laws and a police machinery to enforce them.
— The Eight Dynamic Patterns of Living are 1) Autonomy, 2) Ecstasy, 3) Energy, 4) Language, 5) Love, 6) Pleasure, 7) Self-Regulation, and 8) Touch.
However, it has to be seen that ‘a society that needs zillions of police is on shaky ground,’ to quote career consultant Laurence G. Boldt.
— Laurence G. Boldt, The Tao of Abundance (1999).
Of course, psychologically, when humans foster this negative outlook on life and human beings, it is not surprising that they see children highly endangered when in possible naked closeness to anybody who is not father or mother. It is this fear-based worldview that brings about much of the irrational and myth-engendering stuff around the topic of adult-child sexual relations, and much of the explosive climate around it, in the public discussion.
I can only say, sorry folks, but this is not my problem, and it’s not my fault either, so if this society wants to go on in its eternal blasphemy and regard the human being as a sinful, defective creation, this may interest the clergy, but doesn’t concern a modern researcher and social policy maker.
There is no paradigm and no natural process that could prove in any way that human beings are by nature sexual predators, if they are not kept from bringing shame and dishonor to their sexual mates. Much to the contrary, it was shown that in all sexually liberal cultures, people engage in mutually pleasurable sexual unions, both within and outside of marriage. Hence, the one-sided, egoistic and coercive behavior of males ‘jumping females’ is typical for repressive cultures, for cultures that are highly moralistic on paper, but very little moral in real life!
The culprit in all of this, obviously, is fear, and this fear has many layers. It goes from the general fear of life that is part of degenerative neurosis, so typical for end-phase cultures such as ours, to the specific fear of erotic novelty, which is linked to the fear of freedom so typical for authoritarian and authority-craving hierarchies. Our entire corporate culture, not only our religious dogma, is based upon this fear of the son murdering the father, and the Vassal taking the position of the Lord.
Fear of erotic novelty is marked throughout, while without this fear, our culture could have rejuvenated itself from its origins, and we wouldn’t be in a destructive death cycle, for not only our culture but the entire human race, through the accumulation of weapons that represent the eternal phallus that is the centerpoint of the cultural fear of ‘sex as rape’ as the ghost in the kitchen of our clean techno-culture.
The self-fulfilling nature of the whole of the abuse culture cannot be overlooked; it needs abuse to happen and has established corporate empires to do exactly what it most wishes, that is, more abuse to happen with every coming year, because more abuse means more revenues for all involved in the circus. I go as far as saying that this scenario is more pornographic than pornography because it sees life itself as pornography; it’s a form of mental pornography to see eroticism as something related to the devilish satisfaction of explosive rape urges with small sphincters that are torn apart. If we want it or not, this is the single monolithic group fantasy behind all of the smear of the public ‘pedophilia’ debate.
It goes without saying that when we do research, we have to abstain from even looking at such group fantasies that are bred by fear and denial, namely as a projection of the cultural shadow on the social scene. Functional and honest research is and must remain untainted by the specks that religious denial and political correctness create since millennia in the human aura.
The Cultural Confusion
A society that is confused about its value system tends to come up with arbitrary assumptions as they today pervade the entire public discussion about abuse, especially in the puritanical Anglo-Saxon world with its long tradition of moralistic life denial, emotional and sexual repression, touch anxiety and physical, sexual, domestic and structural violence.
As long as one is part of the wheel, turning with the crazy machinery of a paranoid society, one cannot really grasp the psychological implications of what Krishnamurti called Freedom from the Known. It is impossible to perceive truth when one has been brainwashed for years or even decades, obediently consuming the lukewarm soup of standard media gossip with its half-truths, its hypocrisy and its false securities. It is absolutely impossible if one is not motivated by some kind of Kantian imperative that says a definite no to all this at a certain point in time, followed by a clear decision to remain, at least for a few years, if not for life, untelevisioned, unchurched and unnewspapered.
It took me about thirty years to get away from ingesting this dangerous soup and begin perceiving what it means to be myself! If I had not taken this essential diet, I could not have written this book, let alone publish it and stand for it in a highly aggressive, incomprehensive, manipulative and violent society that has lost its humanity long ago.
What credit can we grant a society that goes out to kill, in drug wars, wars for ‘worldwide democracy’ and witchhunts of various kinds, that maintains intelligence services that engage in abuses worse than all it projects onto its scapegoat groups, and that lets more than half of its scientists work for the military?
What can we expect from a society that calls itself enlightened, that has enacted an admittedly revolutionary Constitution, but goes around the world to publicly emasculate fascist and terrorist regimes, practicing, against the protection of this very Constitution, exactly, and worse, what those regimes do?
Should it not be a good moment to wake up from the thousand-and-first nightmare of public and pretendedly scientific cover-up and turn to your inner voice that knows the truth, if only you got enough civil disobedience to listen to it? I believe it is so difficult for most of us because of our past that favors male supremacy, monotheism and what Joseph Campbell called ‘Murder of the Goddess.’
To secure the paradigm of parental control that is the exact pendant to an all-pervasive punitive and jealous male Gee-Oh-Dee, a set of values is inflicted upon the community that publicly and legally denies children’s rights and power to decide for their own bodies and their own pleasures as far as love is concerned — while icecream is allowed: icecream and plastic toys, industrially produced for the child that is not allowed to accept their body as a pleasure organ — that it of course originally is — are among the most powerful conditioning devices of modern society. They ensure that the human being is transformed into a consumerist robot that is needed for the functioning of a robot society.
An abuse-centered culture needs abuse to happen. It will turn events in such a way that what it silently and openly predicts and projects will eventually be part of tangible reality. I believe that a large part of all abuse happening in families around the world is the simple result of self-fulfilling prophecies and a generally negative outlook upon life — and the lack of creativity that results from such a stiffening point of departure. Instead, people tend to invoke the ‘good old times’ which represents the most stupid argument ever brought forth in human history. This kind of statements are psychological chewing-gum; they keep people fixated upon the past, rendering them unable to live in the present and thus unable to solve present problems. It is the strategy of the fascist worldview that always operates on an irrational level while manipulating the masses into accepting fake-solutions that sound grandiose but in reality represent old errors in a new costume, or no solutions at all.
Thus, after this short look over the fence, you may realize that society, or the main and obvious part of it, will not help you heal your own distorted emotional setup, and will not be of help for you to become, for example, a ‘good enough’ parent in the sense Bruno Bettelheim understood it. And if this society, that seems to hide much more than it reveals and admits, is so outright judgmental that it tears down even those who have the best intentions, then you will stop looking for solutions there. Then perhaps you will turn inside and look to become resourceful by yourself and develop a set of tools that will help you healing your inner split.
Or you may turn to somebody who has done it before you, such as myself. And believe me, I am fully aware of the daring approach of the present book. It’s a subject that is not ‘nice’ which is why most people, for obvious reasons, don’t like to tackle it, and why it was downed from publishing by Amazon, in the first place.
Abuse is and always has been among the best-kept secrets, as it’s the shadow part of the family lore in most of our well-groomed and highly protected modern world.
The Cultural Fear of Erotic Novelty
Abuse, if we want it or not, is part of our fantasy world, our collective unconscious, our mythologies, our dreams, and our fairy tales.
We are not an innocent race. The 1960s view of American child psychology that believed an infant was born as a tabula rasa is since long superseded by a more holistic and spiritual view of human intentionality, life cycles, personal growth and reincarnation.
To put it in a handy formula, we come here with an agenda, not as pure souls. There are no pure souls, as we are all subjected to karma as cause-and-effect, independently of our intentions. There are no pure souls and there are no pure children. This is not the result of my research, but was my very starting point of it. I was not pure as a child, I was not innocent — never. And I bet, you neither. And I guess that those who smear their lukewarm credo of inborn innocence in our daily news haven’t been either. (Only that they make money with affirming the contrary!). But they definitely suffer from childhood amnesia; as they were not free and sane as children, and as they themselves have been abused just like you and me; however, they have repressed those memories. Had they lived sane childhoods, they would remember all, all and everything, and the slightest details, and not just their ‘official’ childhood. And they would know that they have been sexual as children, and intuitively knowledgeable, and not pure-and-ignorant as our fascist child protection paradigm decrees them to be.
This is exactly how abuse is perpetuated from one generation to the next: the causes and events become repressed and forgotten, and a belief system is created that serves to keep hidden what is hidden.
Consumer fascism reinforces this mechanism through keeping abuse as hidden as possible, because abuse itself serves a purpose. It serves the purpose of disempowering a large portion of the population, and keeping them in a state of fear, procrastination and humiliation, for such kind of people are ideal consumers. They need a lot of toys to play with in order to compensate for their ongoing depressions, their recurring feelings of unworthiness, their culturally bred shame and their hot-and-sweaty guilt!
Now, you see that healing the scars of abuse means for you not only developing emotional and sexual sanity and feelings of wellbeing and power, but also liberation from manipulation.
As we were manipulated in an abusive family, we are manipulated in an abusive society. And ours definitely is abusive, it’s manipulative, it’s false, abject, violent, hypocrite and ignorant about the truths of life. All the good it preaches through well-paid religious and commercial advocates, it tears in the dirt by doing exactly the contrary of what it preaches. It tells us that murdering is abject, and then murders the murderer. So it does exactly the same wrong that it so vehemently condemns.
If our society was a parent, its children would all since long been in the madhouse and on the cemetery. But fortunately we are not identical with society; what we call society, in fact, is but the main herd of the meta group. We of course belong to the meta group, which is humanity, but we do not forcibly belong to society, because we can stray from the pack.
As an abused child who was highly conscious of the reasons of abuse, I knew that society had nothing to tell me, nothing to teach me, nothing to do with me, that I was immune against its rampant falseness, hubristic arrogance and abysmal ignorance. And fortunately, two years before the baccalaureate, I could quit the religion class and say good-bye to the fat little perverse teacher who liked to pinch our cheeks out, and change over to philosophy, where we got a highly intelligent and serious instructor and were reading Plato, Hegel, Kant, Spinoza, and even Erich Fromm.
From that time, I began to coin my own reality. And I began to live my own life, including my own sex life. In fact, from age ten, when I entered the boarding school, until I was eighteen, and left it, I lived and enjoyed a wonderful erotic love relation with a peer boy that compensated for much of the frustration and pain I had experienced as a small child in the abusive home.
Thus it was not because of reading Wilhelm Reich quite early in life, but because I had experienced the truth of his research on orgiastic discharge that I became devoted to helping others develop their full emotional and sexual potential.
In the boarding, they called me ‘sex professor’ as I was lecturing the other boys at night what I had learnt and found out about the hidden connections between happiness, sexual satisfaction, emotional truth and success in life. Hence, what I am teaching today has matured over about fifty years until it saw its day in publishing.
And as convinced as I was as a boy that my early peer sex experience would only bring good, and in no way create a tendency for homosexuality, I was my whole life basically heterosexual, while the age of my partners varies greatly. But interestingly so, I have no interest for men and boys, while there was a phase in my life, in my thirties, where I was exploring boylove as a lifestyle. But that was transitory, and nothing I would identify with. And this, together with the extended research I have done on boylove has convinced me that boylove is meant to be transitory, as it was indeed for the Greek and Roman lover, and that those who remain fixated upon it are not aware that they are caught in a narcissistic hangup, and instead of healing their own wound, try to unconsciously heal it in the boys they love and identify with, thereby projecting the early wounding of their younger self on the boys they love and care for.
This is of course not a bad thing to happen, as it’s actually conducive for healing; it is even beneficial for the boys who somehow become the little psychiatrists of their big friends. That is why I am saying that despite the fact that boylove somehow is the result of a psychological twist, it’s a very useful thing to happen in the world at large. It’s socially useful. It’s conductive to peace, to more intelligence in social exchanges, and it helps many boys to cope with their sometimes painful transition into adulthood.
To conclude, I wish to summarize my research findings on boylove with the simple statement that while this form of love may seem outlandish to certain people, it’s a fact that if man-boy relations were recognized and coded socially in our society, much good and a strong healing current would be the result. Unfortunately, at present, our collective consciousness is far from being nonjudgmental enough for accepting this truth.
There are manifest reasons why Western society has this strong hangup with boylove and homosexuality, while in Asia all this is really of minor importance. The Asian lover may not be very discriminative about the age of the girls he loves, but that he loves girls and women, there is hardly a doubt. The great majority of Asian men are definitely heterosexual, while most Western men engage in what I call fake heterosexuality, and are under the spell of what psychoanalysis calls anality, which means something like an unconscious homosexual overlay. I simply call this overlay sadism.
Western society, with it strong punitive superego, clearly suffers from a sadistic overlay that can be observed in both private and professional relations, and even in the ways governments relate to their citizens.
Apart from this cross-cultural observation that was meant to be a side remark, the centerpoint of my theory is that human sexuality is naturally not a predator sexuality in the sense of an animal-like, predetermined rigid and instinctual automatism that Western sexology has made out of it.
And it’s not the conditioned character setup either that is assumed by the generation of psychologists who grew with a misunderstood Marxism in the back of their heads, and that wants each of us to be and remain ‘the victim of childhood.’
No, we are not the victims of our childhoods, we are not predetermined, and we are not automatons. This is the first thing. And the second is that sexuality is first of all not a stick put in a hole, but an energy phenomenon; it not a matter of accomplishing identifications either, as psychoanalysis wrongly believes. And as it’s energy, it’s moving, flowing, shapeshifting and transforming itself constantly, subject to change and renewal. However, when sexuality becomes fixated, it almost always turns to be pathological.
This book is a clear antithesis to all those mechanistic theories of instinctual predetermination, and to all those people who affirm ‘I am born a homosexual,’ or ‘I am born a pedophile,’ assuming they could not do anything about their sexual preferences, summoning society to change and eventually recognize their ‘sexual nature’ and integrate them.
To begin with, neither homosexuality nor pedophilia are sexual orientations, but simply are strayed vital energy streams that are not integrated in the whole of the personality because of the lacking social code and our rampant and dysfunctional moralism as a cultural group addiction.
Both forms of marginal sexual behavior result from distortions of psychosexual growth, while they are not for that reason perverse or pathological forms of sexual behavior.
Most in this field is still today highly controversial. What is important to see here is that these forms of sexual behavior become pathological and perverted only through their repression. To help you understand this, I have inserted a whole chapter about how emotional and sexual energies depend on each other and react upon each other, and what happens to the human love setup when these energies are repressed.
The next point to see in this context is how some people may actually create a fake identity from their credo to be a sexual paraphiliac.
I studied this uncanny phenomenon that other research on sexual paraphilias seem to have overlooked and found that this fake identity results in these subjects having a reductionist regard upon themselves that, in turn, pretty much interferes with their inner mind’s attempt to building true, complex and complete identity. Thus, they are stuck in self-projection, and precisely for this reason attract projection from the side of others, and become a despised scapegoat group, labeled with a generic term, Pedophiles, a phenomenon we all know from the our everyday media soup.
I have written this book because I became aware years ago that nobody can build true and lasting identity as well as soul power, and become highly effective in their profession as long as they are caught in a mythic worldview, with a dominant inner child, an adolescent mindset, or generally, with that I came to call the ‘Peter Pan Worldview.’ Even in film, photography, the world of musea and theater, and in show business, a firm and solid sense of reality is required if one wants to find one’s niche there.
I have given free email-based consultancy for more than a decade to what turned out to be pedophile males, and found most of them simply do not want to see their hangup with the puer archetype, which is why, in turn, they cannot grasp why they, as a group, tragically failed to being recognized socially. It’s because they live, write, discuss, argue and come over from a shame-based identity that is not their real identity, not their soul identity, but the tragic dreaming of a wounded inner child in need to be healed and integrated.
Sexual belonging is not a social category; hence, when it is taken as a hanger for personal identity we enter an unmapped territory. We are not identified by our sexual longings, as these longings are eternally flowing, transitory, and subject to constant change.
If one remains fixated and locked for life in a certain sexual behavior pattern, well, that’s a form of neurosis, not an inherent part of that particular sexual behavior. Many pedophiles are neurotic, as many homosexuals and lesbians are, and the percentage of neurotics in these communities may be higher than among heterosexuals for various reasons that are not related to that sexual behavior per se, but have to do with higher levels of guilt, shame, stress and social pressure that is the price for being too different in a highly labeling society.
The bad thing with neurosis is that it gets you stuck, not only in your professional life, your relationships, and your general prosperity, but also and specifically your sexual orientation. It’s not because they are too different but because they are neurotic that people take their sexual orientation for granted and eternal, even to a point to become activists of their particular sexual hangup.
And this then gets coined into something like a paradigm when a whole bunch of psychologists and psychiatrists, ignorant as they are about the real nature of human sexuality continue publishing about what they believe is the absolute character of sexuality once resulting as a final product of the so-called Oedipus Complex or at last after leaving adolescence. Myths.
Suffices to say at this point that in our emotional and sexual lives, all is subject to change, and that there is absolutely no reason why we should not be able to change our emotional and sexual addictions, just as we can stop our addictions to alcohol or cigarettes. In my view, and after more than twenty years of research on the matter, there is not a doubt that we can change sexual behavior. The real question is if we want to change it.
If in culture A your sexual behavior is considered abject, criminal and perverse, and in culture B it’s tolerated, why would you not want to change your culture rather than changing your sexuality?
Changing your culture costs you a flight ticket and some money for the movers, while changing your sexuality costs you years of therapy or self-therapy, and a lot of frustration on the way. While I affirm it’s possible, I am not one of those with simplistic views. I know it’s not easy and it requires from you a lot of determination and a certain stoicism to achieve it. And the other thing is that we hardly find reasons for drastic change if we do not have a problem with it, if our behavior is not pathological or outright perverse, in the sense of being violent, oppressive and harmful to others.
I know that pedophile attraction can be lived in ways that does no harm to the child partner, but I am aware that most people are lacking out on information on such a controversial topic, which is one reason of many why the public discussion of sexual paraphilias tends to be heated and widely irrational.